It’s been a burning question you’ve had for a long time. Well here are your answers! If you’re reading this and thinking to yourself, “He’s a crackpot,” you’re right; but only partly.
Sometimes in humor we find truth. And that truth can be scary. Take a look at Cracked.com’s article on “5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen” (http://bit.ly/hFHroF). See what I mean? And in case you’ve also read “7 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Outbreak Would Fail (Quickly)” (http://bit.ly/er6HXq), check the publication dates. Right, it occurred three years after the article warning us. It seems too convenient. I don’t want to spread rumors but I’ll hazard a guess that the first article upset too many people and the government demanded an article arguing the opposite; that it couldn’t happen. Oh sure there are reasonable arguments in the article, but they can all be counter argued well enough to cause you to soil yourself. So let us prepare!
For general preparedness read my last post, “Emergency Preparedness.” It’s definitely where you should start. But it is only a start because depending on the type of Zombie Apocalypse (ZA) we face, you’ll need to consider additional issues. There are a number of treatises on this topic (e.g., The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks available at Amazon.com) but I’ve not read them. Suffice it to say, I’m paranoid and crazy enough to come up with some better ideas (Yes, I’m modest too).
Self Defense
OK, first thing. Recall my discussion from the “Emergency Preparedness” post on self defense? Well, it’s no longer a choice. Arm yourself. NOW!
Firearms and Bows: Everyone else in your neighborhood knows where the gun store is, and the proprietor, who has the keys and got there before you, can probably shoot a nice grouping in the “10 ring.” So if you wait for the ZA you’re either a happy meal for a Zombie or target practice for someone who cared enough to be ready. Shotguns, rifles, pistols, and crossbows are all decent for Zombie killing. Shotguns are your friend. Choose either slugs or buckshot (Don’t mess with birdshot, it’ll just piss the Zombie off.). Your choice between the two is easy if you don’t have much range time. Go for the buckshot. Why? Because you’ll have a better chance at getting some pellets on the target and if it’s a crowd, you’ll hit even more. Now one shot isn’t going to do it, so keep shooting until they either stop or you’ve bought enough time to run. The crossbow makes for a nice, quiet Zombie eliminator. And quiet might be your friend. Also a plus is that its ammo (called bolts) is reusable if you can safely retrieve the bolts.
Melee weapons: There’s nothing wrong with staring death squarely in the eyes and beating, pummeling, slicing, chopping or hacking it to death...again. But let’s consider something. What sort of pathogen started this whole thing? It’s probably not airborne otherwise we’d all be dead. So if it’s not airborne it must be passed from individual to individual by touch and/or through bodily fluids (and yes, through Zombie feces, if they have any, but who is going to go all coprophilic in Zombie poop? Two girls with a cup maybe, but I digress. On a similar note necrophiliacs that bareback have died off quickly.). Anyways, getting up close and personal with Mr. or Ms. Zombie and engaging them with a melee weapon is going to get messy very fast. If you don’t believe me go beat a melon with a bat. Get any on you? Right. Now you’re infected and about to become a part of the horde. And it shouldn’t surprise you much that everyone is backing away from you…you know what’s coming next. I do suggest having melee weapons but their use must be a last resort. If you find yourself going mano a mano with a Zombie be sure to cover up as much as possible. Keep Zombie goo out of your eyes, mouth, nose and open wounds. Strip and wash immediately after and burn the clothes. Ah! Didn’t think of that last part did you? Hope you packed some extra clothes!
Regardless of your weapon choice, keep this in mind: survival is your goal. We’re not playing a video game and getting huge scores for headshots. Yes, it may be the only way to kill a Zombie but if time is of the essence, then incapacitate and get the heck out of Dodge. I don’t care how dead and reanimated something is. If its legs are nearly blown off it’s going to be moving slower!
Stay tuned to learn about where in Dodge you can shack up!
No comments:
Post a Comment